4.17.2009

A bird's eye view

Here is a wordle (www.wordle.net) i created of all the content of the blog. it bases the size of the words in the graphic on their frequency in the text.

It's funny - i think that as time goes on, the size of "PJ" will get bigger as the size of "Mike" will get smaller. And that's ok.

Things have been quite wonderful lately. Such a feeling of "normal life" going on around us. We're about 6 weeks away from PJ and my wedding, so naturally there are emotional moments here and there. I still worry that my marrying PJ is the equivalent of asking the cosmos to come sabotage me once again - but I'm working on that. But the details are worked out. We're having a church wedding - at an Episcopal Church, followed by a decent sized reception at a country club. PJ's family is sooo giant that we have ended up with a pretty big list of attendees. I have been spending my free time working on lil' crafts, trinkets, the wedding program, and other fun details. I LOVE this stuff.

And to make the day quite distict from my wedding to Mike, there are a lot of intentional differences.

a) mike and I had a small outdoor wedding, officiated by a Unitarian Minister. PJ and I are having a big church wedding, officiated by a female Episcopalian priest.
b) mike and I had a casual cocktail reception outside under a big tent. PJ and I are having a formal sit-down dinner inside a country club.
c) mike and I each had one attendant. Liz was my maid of honor and Kevin was his best man. PJ and I each have SEVEN attendants. ???? nuts, right!
d) When I married Mike, my dad walked me down the aisle. When I marry PJ, Baxter will walk me down the aisle. And I (and everyone else in the place) will surely fall to pieces.

I love planning this wedding. And even more - i love the idea of marrying PJ. He is an exceptional partner - and he's getting better all the time. He is also an amazing dad. Baxter is a lucky lucky boy.

I still have major fears that I will face for a long time. I fear PJ falling ill. I fear Baxter being abandoned again - either from my death or PJ's. I have physical and emotional reactions to some things that I cannot control. Certain sounds, smells, sights... throw me back. But it happens less and less frequently now.

I just found a lump on my thyroid that I need to have an ultrasound on... and that threw me back for a bit. Thyroid issues are prevalent in the women in my family - and the statistics surrounding thyroid issues suggest no real need for concern. However, when your husband is diagnosed with a brain tumor that has a 95% survival rate of five years or more... and then in 8 months he's dead... it messes with your ability to interpret risk and statistics properly.

So, I continue to struggle, but I try to be mindful. When I panic or react emotionally, I try to "get Meta" - "Why am I freaking out? What is the real source of this emotional response?"

But all in all, life is going on and it's going well. I wish the same for you.

7 comments:

karabou said...

I'm kind of in the same place. I live in a constant panic that everyone around me is going to drop dead at any second. I feel like I'm so busy worrying, I'm not really living.

Kate said...

thank you, thank you, thank you for updating.

as a long time reader, I'm glad to know that life is so good.

Olivia said...

Isn't it all a balance between fear and joy? I think you do an awesome job! I'm so excited and happy for you guys.

Also, thanks for the wordle tip! I used it on our blog this week too :)

J. Kru said...

After our daughter died, I spent a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop in all kinds of places - I'm sure I'll soon be fired from my new job, I'm sure my healthy daughters will get run over by a truck, etc. etc.

It took some time to get past that, but eventually I saw that good stories don't always end poorly. And even the bad stories don't always end poorly, as your upcoming wedding demonstrates.

"Regarded as dying, and, behold, we live"

Very excited for your upcoming day - not just yours, PJ's and Baxter's as well. Beautiful to see a family being formed again.

-Jerid

kelly said...

Dana, I am glad to see that your life has become full circle again and you have found happines.

Anonymous said...

Glad youre back!! I've missed hearing about my favorite little guy!! I figured wedding was taking precedence right now. And it sounds like it will be wonderful. Who better to give his Mom to his new Dad? I'm sure our Baxter will do a wonderful job and I think someone special will be helping him because he would not want him to be without a Dad.
Cant wait to hear more about it all.
Jalena

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