Thank you so much to the many people who have made generous donations to my team. It brings me a feeling of purpose when I can use this blog to help raise money for research on Stupid F*cking Brain Tumors.
****CLICK HERE TO DONATE**** to my team online with a secure server. By clicking on that link, you'll also get to see a photo of the fantastic Mike Young dressed as the "Worst Dad Ever" Halloween 2004.
RACE DAY SCHEDULE - SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 4TH
All events will occur by the steps of the Art Museum unless otherwise noted.
7:30 AM - Registration/Packet Pickup (Race day registration is $30)
8:15 AM - Pre-Race Warm Up
9:00 AM - Race Start (Start line at Martin Luther King Jr. Drive)10:30 AM - Awards Ceremony
Perhaps with the race coming up, it makes sense that I had the dream I did last night. I dreamt that I was snuggling with Mike, face in his floppy hair and all was good. BUT it was in the month after his first surgery.
I panicked, knowing what was to come. Remembering how there was a little window there when I think we might have been able to do radiation treatment and get that f*cking tumor frozen in time.
"Smoosher, did you contact them about getting the radiation started?"
"I emailed them last week to see about their schedule, and haven't heard back."
And in this dream, Mike was SO Mike that he even jokingly pronounced "schedule" as "SHED-due-uhl"
When I then suggested that he follow up with a phone call, I could see he was annoyed. He was finally on the other side of the surgery. The last thing he wanted to do was start weeks upon weeks of radiation. He was going to do it, but he wasn't banging down their door to get started.
For all I know, this little exchange happened in real life. I remember talking to him about it numerous times.
Dr. Andrews has told me that one of the big contributions of Mike's unfortunate case concerns the speed with which neurosurgeons need to get post-op craniopharyngioma patients into radiation. Plus, if you recall, once the f*cking tumor grew a cyst, we had to get the catheter put in there and then that mother f*cker got infected. Andrews has even told me that Mike's case has changed his thinking about going forward with radiation in cranio patients even if infection may be present. I'm not sure he's completely jumped the fence on that, but it's certainly changed the certain rule about "no radiation if there's a chance of infection."
Anyway, I am careful to not dwell on regrets. They are so damaging to the psyche. Mike was an adult. He made decisions as he saw fit. Perhaps getting radiation earlier would have prolonged some horrible brain-damaged existence... And, as I've said before, THAT would have been his nightmare.
The thing with regrets is that they place all bets on a false premise: Had x not happened, y would be different.
But you know what regrets don't account for? The chaos of the universe. The "z" variable that you're not even freaking thinking about.
It has taken a lot of thinking to get me to this point, but I've even spent time meditating on the flawed logic behind the thought that "had Mike not died, life would be perfect."
Would it really? I wouldn't have the benefit of this perspective I have now. And who knows what other obstacles we may have encountered along the way.
The only fair thing to say: "Had mike not died, life would be different."
As you can see, I am actively trying to keep myself in a functional forward-moving direction. We'll see how that works. I'll let you know.