ok ok...

so, i considered deleting last night's post. Just for the sure "pathetic" factor of the whole thing. But I have never deleted a post. And I sort of feel like that would be weirdly cheating.

But you all know that I mostly write when I'm "in it." When I'm not writing, Chances are I'm quite functional: writing a paper, teaching, doing laundry, getting baxter a juicy cup, hanging at the playground, chatting with friends.

But last night wasn't one of those "functional moments."

PS: (one hour later) I JUST realized what probably sent me into a tailspin last night. I had just watched episode 9 of HBO's Tell Me You Love Me (spoiler alert!!!). The very last scene of the hour-long show:

After a year of trying to get pregnant and then giving up, Palek had revealed to his wife, Carolyn, that he didn't think he wanted to have kids after all. But... of course... within days Carolyn learned she was finally pregnant. At about the 10 week point in her pregnancy, Carolyn quit her loathsome law firm job on a whim. Palek, under the now increased stress of an unwanted pregnancy AND realizing he was the sole breadwinner for this growing family, had a panic attack.
Carolyn and Palek went to see their therapist. Palek revealed that he so couldn't handle the situation that he thought he and Carolyn should... split up. She did not see this extreme reaction coming at all (nor did I, to be honest). And her speechless reaction was painful to watch. Pregnant. No job. Husband wants out. The life she thought she was going to have has all... within weeks.... totally fallen apart. Instead of having a nuclear family, she's going to be (at least at this point in the show, we think) a single mother.

I think I sort of got what Carolyn's revelation felt like... a little too much.


Anonymous said...

Prescription for the day: Go out and buy the new Britney Spears album 'Blackout'. It will make you feel better...

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you didn't delete the "pathetic" post because it such a real part of grief and people need to understand it even if they might not feel comfortable reading it. But I'm also glad you put up the "part two" so that we can see how you have come to recognize your triggers (Tell Me You Love Me) and how you can ride the wave of sadness until you get to the the more solid ground of the beach, with your feet firmly planted again (even if the sands are always shifting). Like the anonymous post of yesterday(or two days ago), I wanted to say that I also sometimes ask myself WWDD (What would Danna Do?). Our griefs are different, but your response is so real and ultimately so healthy. It shows me there IS a different way than bitterness, anger, depression 100% of the time. Thank you for giving me this insight. Love, Amy

Kate said...

The "no-quite-so-functional" moments seem to be going around this year.

That you are still feeling for Mike so deeply is a reflection of the very deep love you and Mike shared.

I wish I had a magic wand that could change some things from the last two years.

Thinking of you,
== Kate