9.10.2007

Doin it and doin it and doin it well. (ll cool j, people.)

So, Susan said I have to get that very sad photo of Bax with the nebulizer mask off of the top of the blog. So, here goes

So - this weekend was a fun-filled one for mama and the Baxman. Friday afternoon, I picked him up from daycare and we drove straight down to UDel for a departmental BBQ and pool party. Then we stayed at my colleague Steve's house and Bax got to play with his three fantastic kids and Captain Scott. The next morning we all lounged around and then went out for pizza together. Scott filmed this lil' clip of the kids riffing. Louie is on drums (the kids a freaking prodigy with rhythm), Josh is grooving next to Louie, then Bax is jamming in the hat across the table - sitting next to Chloe. They were SO good... just chilling and eating and singing.





I've started to get my life together a bit, but I had a rough week last week. Reeling from Bax's illness and 4 days of douche-bagness due to his oral steroids, I just couldn't seem to get my feet on the ground. Running to catch up - every minute.

Then, my head started going places it hadn't before. I started doing a mental comparison of my current life with the life I would be living if Mike hadn't died.

My life now is so full of tedium- from morning til night I'm running to catch up. Morning:

get bax breakfast,
get ready for work,
get bax dressed
get my stuff organized
feed cat
scoop litter
take trash out
start laundry
do neb with baxter
get out the door by 8.

I don't usually think too much about it, cause its a waste of time to get bogged down. In fact, usually I think about all the shit I do on a daily basis and feel a little like superwoman or like a warrior - and that energy keeps me going strong. But last week I was tired. And lonely. And for some reason on my ride to work (driving on 95S) one day last week, I had a flashback.

... to driving south on Route 95 with Mike - on our way to a camping weekend in Delaware in 2002. Just the 2 of us. Cooler of food, tent and camping gear in the back. We rented a canoe and cooked dogs on the grill that weekend. For whatever reason I flashed back to that great weekend and thought - shit... instead of spending weekends trying to get my footing and do grocery shopping ... maybe we would all be going on camping trips or heading to the poconos or to the beach with baxter. and I started really resenting the fact that that is SO not my life right now.

But, you know what? How do I know what our weekends would be like. Having kids changes things a lot. Would we really just be doing fun family activities on the weekends? Would we be camping and beaching and hiking and doing day trips to New Hope (which I love and miss so much)? I don't know that we would actually be doing all that stuff... we could be getting bogged down in the details of the day to day anyway.

So, Wednesday I took some steps to get my feet moving forward again. I took a great long walk with Baxter in the morning. I moved my bedroom around - including the king sized bed that I built from Ikea... placed it directly under my big windows. Moved my elliptical machine (and actually started using it again). Then, in the afternoon, per Susan's instructions, I got a manicure and pedicure - and the woman talked me into my first eyebrow wax.

Nothing says fresh start like getting hair ripped from the follicles.

Anyhow, good news is that I feel like I'm moving in the right direction heading into this new week. I caught up with some important people in the last 5 days... and human interaction is my religion. I cooked dinner for Tom and Mary (yes, you read that right. I cooked!), had a great long conversation with Michaela on the phone, caught up with Lonia and talked about plans to visit this fall, got some time and a great mexican meal with Russ, did my Sunday brunch with Michelle and company, and got to see a fringe show and spend time with friends in the city last night.

I'm sure I'll get stuck again - and again I'll take steps to try to get out of it.

But, fortunately, I'm in a better place. And as you can see in that video - my boy is back! And that brings me MUCH joy.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Great video!
I didn't know i was going to get world-wide distribution :)

sc

Anonymous said...

That boy has some moves. I had a nice time talking to you the other day. So nice to hear your sarcasm and wit almost in person. Are you up for a trip to a Bensalem playground this weekend?
michaela