call it what you want...

[photos from last weekend's trip "down the shore" with Heather, Matt and Peter]

Ok... so...Call it what you want...

"Bored" (from David, the beloved therapist), "In a rut" (my other therapist, Michelle), "Depressed" (what i fear it may be on the brink of)... but i'm definitely .... stuck.

SO tired... all the time. and sleeping 8 hours a night... plus lots and lots of naps. With my flexible schedule, nothing is imminently "due," so i can tell myself that a nap is ok. but i wake up feeling blah all over again.

What is it? other than the obvious, of course... Well, the obvious is a huge part of it. But I also feel like I don't have anything really fabulous to sink my teeth into. No show to plan, no book that I'm writing, no big research that I'm excited about... and no crushes. what. a. drag. I get excited about teaching and about playing with Bax and about hanging with friends... but my energy level is so low I'm not really seeking out those opportunities as much as usual.

I'm a person who always needs a project of some kind. A big huge project. And for a long time, my marriage was that project. Then Mike's illness was that project - as fucked up as that may sound. And then my grief was that project. For about a year I felt like my ability to take care of things on the domestic front, raise Baxter, take care of bills, and still be a functional person was my project and I was proud of my success in the wake of the unthinkable. But now? I just don't really feel passionate about much at the moment.

I always used to feel this way. If you've read this for a while, you know that my restlessness is something I am very used to.. I was restless until I moved to the city and met Mike in 1999. I sometimes wonder if I lived in the city if I'd still feel this boredom. Yes, I love it here. I love my house and my friends. But I need to be in the throws of things to feel ... alive. Not necessarily a "place" but perhaps an event... or a person... or a .. .something?

So, my new project? Trying to find a new project. Wish me luck.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm no therapist, but I have been in a lot of therapy (for grief) and it sounds to me like Michelle hit it ... "in a rut." I was in that rut for two years. I knew I wasn't "depressed", and I guess I was a little "bored" but I felt like a big boulder that had settled into a crater. Stuck. It took a big huge shove to get me out of that crater and get me rolling again. For me, it was an heart-wrenching but amazingly important project with kids in foster care ... it took me to five cities in six days literally from San Diego to Bangor and three midwest stops in between. Maybe this is the kind of therapeudic step a smart researcher like you needs.

I say develop that stuffback.com project. You are all about altruism Danna, and the ways that intermediaries (like this blog, like that sticker) might bring out the best in people. How about writing a proposal and sending it to the Templeton Foundation (the positive psychology folks) or the National Institutes of Mental Health? Get lost in what you do, rather than who you are (right now) and maybe it will make a new you. Or a new outlook.

Or maybe you don't want advice right now. Maybe you just want us to acknowledge that yes, it sucks, it's hard, it's exhausting (that's why you sleep) and it's frustrating. And you want this part to be over. We want it to be over for you too.

Hang in there. Love, Amy