call it what you want...
[photos from last weekend's trip "down the shore" with Heather, Matt and Peter]
Ok... so...Call it what you want...
"Bored" (from David, the beloved therapist), "In a rut" (my other therapist, Michelle), "Depressed" (what i fear it may be on the brink of)... but i'm definitely .... stuck.
SO tired... all the time. and sleeping 8 hours a night... plus lots and lots of naps. With my flexible schedule, nothing is imminently "due," so i can tell myself that a nap is ok. but i wake up feeling blah all over again.
What is it? other than the obvious, of course... Well, the obvious is a huge part of it. But I also feel like I don't have anything really fabulous to sink my teeth into. No show to plan, no book that I'm writing, no big research that I'm excited about... and no crushes. what. a. drag. I get excited about teaching and about playing with Bax and about hanging with friends... but my energy level is so low I'm not really seeking out those opportunities as much as usual.
I'm a person who always needs a project of some kind. A big huge project. And for a long time, my marriage was that project. Then Mike's illness was that project - as fucked up as that may sound. And then my grief was that project. For about a year I felt like my ability to take care of things on the domestic front, raise Baxter, take care of bills, and still be a functional person was my project and I was proud of my success in the wake of the unthinkable. But now? I just don't really feel passionate about much at the moment.
I always used to feel this way. If you've read this for a while, you know that my restlessness is something I am very used to.. I was restless until I moved to the city and met Mike in 1999. I sometimes wonder if I lived in the city if I'd still feel this boredom. Yes, I love it here. I love my house and my friends. But I need to be in the throws of things to feel ... alive. Not necessarily a "place" but perhaps an event... or a person... or a .. .something?
So, my new project? Trying to find a new project. Wish me luck.