Putting ducks up my ass.

[At left: you'll just have to read on down the bottom of this post for the relevance of this lil' pic.]

Some random thoughts and observations tonight before I fall asleep by 9:30.

On Friday I ventured to Jefferson. First time I've been back at all. The head of JHN development asked me to bring by some Laughtastic posters to promote the Aug 26 show around the hospital. She said if I wanted I could bring some right to Dr. Andrews and Evans' office, too.

I wasn't sure if I was up to it... but I did it. I saw their nurse, Lauren, had a nice chat in the waiting room of their main office. The office where we waited so many times back in the early days after mike's diagnosis. Once I did that, I felt like I could go up to the 6th floor of JHN and hand deliver some more posters to the nurses who took care of Mike for so many months.

So, I did that, too.

Got in the elevator, pressed the button and then the doors opened. There was that hallway. The one where we would roll mike in a wheelchair out to the window where he could "play" with Baxter on the occasional Saturday or Sunday. It smelled the same. As soon as I walked around the corner by the nurses' station, I saw familiar and welcoming faces. They knew who I was and greeted me with hugs. I got a lot of "you look so good, Danna." I must have looked like shit last spring... I guess that would be appropriate given the circumstances.

I didn't stay long. It was fine while I was in there. Meaning I didn't lose my shit or anything - but it definitely set me back a bit over the weekend. Not in any tangible way... Just sort of generally anxious and down. Lots of hospital thoughts popping in out of nowhere...

Maybe it was a mistake to go there. Whatever. It's done.

Colin came over Saturday morning and cooked us a yummy breakfast and gave Bax some good "guy" time. Other than that the weekend was very chill. Lots of great little moments with my boy. He's so random. Great random, you know?


We were in the car heading to the grocery store and I was listening to the Garden State soundtrack that I just dug out after having watched the movie again with Susan up in NH. The second track came on. As soon as it started, Baxter's face lit up - which is weird, because he doesn't really know this song.

He said, "Mama. My daddy loves this song." Now, to be fair, Bax has said this very statement about other songs. Songs mike did love - and songs mike never heard. But Bax has never elaborated on it like he did this time.

The song was The Shins: Caring is Creepy. A song that Mike did love. Maybe not an all time favorite, but definitely a goodie according to Mr. Young. We saw Garden State in the Ritz at the Bourse about 10 days before Baxter was born. I cried the entire movie. From the first song to the end. Mike and I smooshed and held hands and he kissed my hands throughout the film and looked at me with loving eyes - as if to say, "My poor over-emotional and tearful smoosher." I felt sad and emotional and like Mike and I were breaking up or something like that. It was a very odd movie-going experience. I had a similar experience seeing Brokeback Mountain with him in February. At that point, mike had already had several surgeries. We knew the tumor was back. However, only I knew that he was unraveling before my eyes - so I guess it makes sense that that movie flipped me out a bit.

But Garden State? There was no real reason for me to feel such a profound sense of melancholie - except that I was uber-preggers.
I digress.

Back to Baxter's little car observation:

"You're right, Bax. He does love this song."

"He says it's his favorite song." Bax said, looking out the window at the intersection of Haddon and Cuthbert in Westmont.

"He does?"

"Yeah! He's clapping."

"Right now? He's clapping?"

"Yup. He's clapping on the moon. ... and smiling."



And, I'll leave you with a funny story from my time in Paris, walking beneath the Eiffel tower with Thomas, the handsome waiter. I don't know why, but this story makes me laugh so much when I think about it.

He was telling me that he's been sort of getting his life organized over the past year. Saving up money, figuring out his plan. He asked if I understood (cause, remember, this whole exchange took place in french).

I tried to explain that in English there is an expression: Putting your ducks in a row.

So, I tried so say something like, "Il y a une expression. On dit qu'il faut mettre tout les canards dans une queue."

At least, that is the (already bad) translation that I tried to say. Unfortunately, in french, they have two different "u" sounds. One is like "oooo" and the other one is much harder.. it's like you put your lips as though you're making an "o," but you say the letter "e."

The problem came with the word "queue" - which literally means the line where people wait. Instead of saying "queue," I said "cul" (silent "l") which means "ass."

So, I told this guy that there's an english expression for "getting organized" that is: "You have to put ducks up your ass."

He laughed so hard when we figured out the confusion.... It was such a great clusterf*ck of a language moment.

So, I think that's where I'm at right now. I'm putting ducks up my ass.


Jalena said...

Thats a great place to be and great thing to be doing!! I am ROFL. At least there is movement forward and forward is good. Hugs for Baxter. He is THE MAN!!

Anonymous said...

I love that duck story! That is truly a classic. And, as a side note, it's a big step forward to even know you have "ducks" that need tending to - no matter where you decide to put them... in a line, up your *ss, or wherever. You go girl! I love you and Bax soooo much.
xoxo Always, Jae

Kirk said...

hey yo. Hospital visit. Shit. Tough one. I hated hospitals before. I hate them more now. Hate with a side of passion. I'm proud of you though. Always have been, always will.

Funny duck story. Ducks up the ass always good for a chuckle. Guaranteed ha ha. Look it up, it's a fact.

Anonymous said...

what a canard!

Anonymous said...

Danna, I saw the posters this morning when I came in and knew you had been there!!!!!! I was on vacation last week!!! I am so sorry I missed you. Way to go on another step forward. See you on the 26th!!


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