8.22.2007

Keeping myself moving forward.

[In an effort to keep my foot in the "moving forward" door, I am going to spill my guts here into this keyboard. I haven't had to do this in a while, but this dream wigged me out. Thanks for letting me rid my brain of this stuff. It helps me lead a productive life.]

So, I had that ol' dream again. The one where Mike is in the hospital and alive, but completely unraveled. In this dream I went in to visit the nurses (like I did last week to drop off posters) and Dr. Evans was there. He asked if I wanted to see Mike. Obviously, I protested - given the fact that he's dead. But Dr. Evans said Mike had been in a coma for a year, but had just started showing signs of consciousness.

I walked back into this alcove (not a hospital room) - out in a hallway. It's the only place they had for him. He was alone was trying to get up and walk out of his bed. He had no muscles left in his legs and his skin was almost blue. His hair was matted and long and his beard was gray and unkempt. He was in the process of collapsing against the counter - his legs caving in beneath him. He said hi to me in a flat tone - didn't look at me. He was still blind.

Dr. Evans told me that they were considering sending him home.

It was fucking horrible.


I wonder if it's just an image that I'm always going to have in my head - and a strong sense of fear that will always be palpable to me: the fear of having to contend with this untenable situation - all by myself.


I think I know why I had this dream, though. Last night at dinner I was discussing the reality of failure in life - of not being able to get what you want. And how, if you're someone who pretty much always succeeds, not getting what you want can be an important lesson in humility and lack of control.


As we were talking about this, I thought to myself - yes I wanted Mike to be with me forever, but at a certain point, did I want him with me at all cost? No. There came a time in our journey that I shifted what I wanted... away from wanting Mike to live - to wanting Mike to live a life worth living.


So, in this dream, I was totally caught in this clusterfuck. He was back. He wanted to hug me. Dr. Evans asked if I wanted to lie down with Mike for a while in his hospital bed (like I used to for all those months). But I didn't want to. I was mad and confused.

I have really felt a new sense of progress in my journey over the past month - since the year anniversary. I feel able and willing to put both feet through the door - not just one. And this dream told me just how far I have come.

And, once again, it rattled me - but I woke up knowing that Mike dying was NOT the worst thing that could have happened.


Geeezus. This turned into a heavy post. Shit. Sorry.


Everybody ready for the comedy show on Sunday? Wheee! (oy.)

Seriously, though -
I know several of my friends have expressed that they're not ready to revisit Mike's death with Sunday's World Cafe Live show. But, this year's show is not a funeral. It's not a tribute to Mike. It's a comedy show featuring a whole gaggle of amazing people whose comedic stylings were influenced (to varying degrees) by Mike Young. We're not doing a sad slide-show. We're not doing a long speech about how much you all mean to me. You all know that shit already.

It's a comedy show. I swear.

And I, Danna, am revisiting the stage for the first time in 2 years: Singing. In Pajamas. With Pat and Peg Walsh.

Need I say more?

love you,
danna

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

you wrote "if you're someone who pretty much always succeeds, not getting what you want can be an important lesson in humility and lack of control."

aint that the truth!
thanks for posting this

s

Anonymous said...

You ROCK, woman! Keep moving those feet.

Big HUGS,
Judi

Anonymous said...

I have dreams about my dad where we we're doing incredibly mundane crap. And in the dream, I know something isn't right--something is off. And then I realize he's not supposed to be here anymore.

I'm always left rattled when I wake up, or at least disconcerted. I can't say I EVER had a dream about my dad before he died. And now I have them all the time. Strange.

Anonymous said...

Hi,

You know what I think? I think this dream is a sub-conscious closure to the issues that have, again, sub-consciously, been bothering you. If you could not have Mike back as he was, all the alternatives were NOT what he or you or Bax would have wanted. In the final analysis, Mike is in a better place and with a little faith is in a far happier time in the after life.
Now, I know, Mother Teresa's papers came out yesterday and in them she said she had a serious problem with belief in GOD. Now, that is significant. Even SHE had a problem. All of us have an inner skepticism. (Oh, the CChurch is thinking of naming her the Saint of the Skeptic..seriously, I read it.)

Gee! I do not know if I helped or not. I am trying to say that where he is is far better then, given those other circumstances, he would have been. I think that is what the dream meant. The task ahead is to move on for you and baxter and all of us friends. Mike would have wanted us all to .

You are doing a grand job, girlfriend. Be happy with yourself and Baxter.

hugs.
an amateur psychiatrist