Summertime Summertime. And an anniversary looming.

[View from my parents' house. We face due West with a perfect sunset every night. Notice the tire swing hanging from the apple tree in the lower left hand part of the photo. Bax LOVES it!]

We're up here in beautiful New Hampshire for the next 4 weeks. (And, to all you criminals reading the blog, I have housesitters and a security system, so don't bother.) My dad (Poppy) flew down on Tuesday just to make the car trek with Bax and me on Wednesday. 8 hours. We did it. With a mini DVD player. But... We did it.

As most of you know, the year anniversary of Mike's death is soon approaching. The fact that so many of you have already sent cards and thoughtful emails means so much. Sometimes I wonder if only my world is totally whacky in the absence of mike - but just seeing how many people are painfully aware of the anniversary that we're facing once again reminds me that I'm not alone. July 18th was the date, but the entire week prior was utter hell. Being away from home helps a little and hurts a little. I feel disconnected, but I also feel a little more calm than I might feel sitting on the same front porch where I smoked and drank my way through last summer. The plan for the 18th is for my dad and I to hike little Sugarloaf Mountain overlooking Newfound Lake. This is the spot where I want my ashes spread when I die - and Mike knew that for years. I have taken a small amount of Mike's ashes with me up here to NH and at 11:20 am on the 18th, I'll drop them over the side of the cliff where I hope to be someday.

The 2nd part of the plan involves my boarding an airplane bound for Paris on July 19th to spend a long weekend with Liz and to attend a conference and present a paper early next week - returning to NH on July 25 (Mimi and Poppy would be on Bax duty). Problem is, after 13 weeks, my passport has yet to arrive. I've expedited it three times, have my senators' offices on the case, have called etc etc... no dice. I did find out that I will get a travel voucher for the cost of the airline tickets in the event that I need to cancel (even if I cancel day of)... but it is sort of a bummer. Not hugely devastating - particularly given where I was one year ago... but sort of a disappointment. The way I'm trying to think of it is that I either get a week in Paris to play and drink wine with my best friend from college and friends from grad school OR I get an additional week here in the mountains to watch my beautiful boy bond with his grandparents and develop an affection for the amazing place that I call home. Either way is pretty nice, really.


This morning, Bax and Mimi and I were playing with some toys and Bax found a big horse and a tiny horse, "This is the mommy. This is the baby. Where's the daddy?" he asked.


"Where do you think he is?" Asked mimi.

"He's in heaven," Bax replied without paying much attention.

Mimi's eyebrows lifted and I started to roll my eyes at her. "Mom.... You know we tell him that Daddy's on the moon... We don't talk about heaven or hell..." (refer to previous posts regarding Mike and Danna's hyper-secularism)

"Danna," my mom interrupted, incredulously, "I swear to you, I have never discussed heaven with him."

"Bax," I touched his arm, "Where did you learn about heaven?"

"Daddy told me."

"Daddy told you." I replied.

"Yeah," he turned back to the playhouse as if to say --- 'lady! leave me alone! let me play!'

"Where's daddy?" I asked.

Bax appeared to sigh as though I was as dumb as a bucket of rocks, and complete with an emphatic hand gesture he stated: "He's. In. Heaven."

"Who told you that?"

"Daddy told me that."

"Where was daddy when he told you that?"

"Right here!" He struggled to put a toy in the window of the playhouse... "The girl's too big. She doesn't fit." New subject...As though nothing weird was happening.

My mom and I just looked at each other. Mom made a gesture with her hand to me like, "Danna... enough..." She was right. Bax was getting annoyed.


To those of you who have inquired about contributing money to Baxter’s fund:

I have set up a UTMA (Uniform Transfers to Minors Account) which will transfer to Baxter when he is no longer a minor. The account is managed by my fantastic financial advisor, Mark Mensack.

Contributions to Bax’s account can be made out to Baxter Young and sent to my financial advisor:

Mark D. Mensack
Janney Montgomery Scott LLC
6000 Sagemore Dr., Suite 6201
Marlton, NJ 08053

[More info - UTMA, A Uniform Transfers to Minors Account: The UTMA is a type of custodial account. The child is the account owner, but the parent (or other adult) is named as custodian. The custodian controls the account until the child is no longer a minor. At that point, the custodial relationship ends and the child controls the account.]


Finally, I got a lovely note from Mike's neurosurgeon, Dr. David Andrews at Jefferson. He's planning on attending the Comedy Show at World Cafe Live. That warms my heart a lot. And yes, I know - all too well, in fact - that somebody might... you know... flatline or have hydrocephalus or an aneurism - hence forcing him to miss this show - but such is life.

Reserve your tix HERE (Tix are $15 each): http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=2010
Show is Sunday, August 26th
Doors open at 6 pm, Show starts at 7:30


Jalena said...

Baxter reminded me of something I read on the blog last year so I went back and found it. Its in the July 30th blog and your Mom turns to your Dad and says, " Wouldnt it be funny if a. Mike wakes up and finds there is a heaven and b. that he is in it." Maybe he did. Maybe Baxter does know. This kid's had incredible intuition or connection with Mike from the second he reported that Daddy was telling him bye. Right or wrong as anyone may see it, wherever he feels most comfortable with his daddy being, let it be. At his age, the place can change many times or it can stay the same. Its his place for his daddy and thats what is most important. I'm so glad you are building great memories of his Daddy for him. May he hold onto them for a lifetime.
Hope you get to make your trip. Sounds like its the perfect week planned. So many have had travel plans disrupted over the backlog. There should have been a phase in period. I know, I know, they warned us but still, as usual, they werent ready for the onslaught either!!
And the front yard view is wonderful. Bax will have lovely childhood memories from such a pretty place with such loving grandparents!!

Anonymous said...

Danna, as much as I wish I could attend the comedy fest--I wish more that I could sit on that porch with you, a glass of wine and our kids running around nearby. (Quiet and well behaved, of course..it is a fantasy.)
Keep breathing through these milestones.
I hope your trip to Paris a) happens and b)is ridiculously fabulous.
Give my love to Baxter, the parents and Jae.