Getting there...I'm definitely getting there.

I’m writing this right now in a word document, unsure of whether or not I’ll ever post it.

Thursday night I went out with the guy I’ve been seeing since mid-Feb… Thursday we saw a movie (Volver.. the most confusing euro-film i've seen in a long time) and went to dinner. And you know what? Remember how I wrote back in January (18th) about going to a movie with the guy I was dating at the time and I had this WTF moment - like I thought I would turn to my left and see Michael sitting there? And instead it was this almost-stranger… and I felt so alone.

This time, that thought never crossed my mind. I knew who I was with, I loved being there, and his energy is so positive and so… different… that I didn’t have any moment of hesitation or flashback (I just typed the word backflash and looked at it for 30 seconds before realizing that that was the wrong word. Duh.)

Anyhow, we did dinner afterwards with a lot of laughter and at the end of dinner he told me that the house he grew up in was on the market and that he would love for me to see it before it’s sold. So, today we went to his childhood home… it was really sort of overwhelming. In a beautiful way. To have these moments where someone is sharing themselves with you and wants you to know who they are and what their story is - where they’ve come from and what is important to them.

I felt oddly emotional the whole time. Looking at old pictures and just getting a sense of who this amazing person is. Having this feeling that I can have… and maybe current am starting to create - a wonderful connection like this with another human being. Seeing that, despite the intimate experience I have had with Michael’s death, I am very much alive. And young. 31. That’s like… a baby, right? No where NEAR mid-life crisis… So… I have a lot ahead of me.

And, this guy is on to me. He’s smart about things with me. He knows what I want is to jump in too fast - to have someone to share my life with. But, as he put it… I’m still in the middle of my long “process,” so rushing would guarantee that this would come to an abrupt ending. Damn him for being smart and absolutely right. So, impatient danna has to wait. That freaking four-letter word that my dad always makes fun of me for hating. Wait. I hate waiting… but if there’s anything I’ve mastered over the last year and a half, it’s waiting. So, now I’m trying to be in the moment. Enjoying the journey.

I did have a moment the other night after we got off the phone where I realized… what if this person ends up being my next chapter? What a freaking shame it would be if I were so freaking eager to “get there” that I let these beautiful moments pass me by in anticipation of the future. Freaking waste, right?

And the question that many friends are asking… “has he met Baxter.” The answer is no. Not yet. Just… not yet.

This person might not end up a part of my long-term future… I know that. But to feel the capacity to have a unique connection that is not a “replacement,” not a “distraction” from Mike’s death – but rather is a connection that lives and breathes all by itself… that tells me that I’m getting there.

And Mike Young would be so happy for me and so proud. And that makes me feel good.


Jalena said...

No deep thoughts, just realizing what a truly amazing year this has been for you. Dont like the word amazing in that sentence, not sure what the word should be though. Probably amazing to me because I'm an outsider looking in and realize more than most the roller coaster ride you were on with Mike medically. Up close and very personal to me. A roller coaster that I'm still not sure should have ended as it did and most likely never will feel it did. But that doesnt mean your story should end and I am so glad you are not letting it but instead are enriching your life with new stories. Go, Danna.

Dannagal said...

Thanks, Jalena. You have been such a voice of encouragement through this process. It makes me smile to know that you didn't only witness the downs, but the ups as well. x0

Kate said...

Aww. It makes me happy to read such a lovely post. There is so much hope and possibility...all around, everywhere

Good for you. Good for all of us.

I think Michael is on the moon, smiling.

weissman said...

i read somewhere recently that the best tribute you can make to the dead is to live a joyous, happy life. i tend to agree. love and be loved.