Saturday, Dec 9, 2006 - 8:40 am

I realize it’s only 8:30 am, but already today is not a good day. I’m in it. Hard.

Some might say I brought it on myself. Maybe I’m trying to move forward too soon or to distract myself from things in a way that isn’t exactly healthy. But, who knows?

The deal is this. Last weekend I put my profile on match.com. I figure that the best way to get through the holidays is by having fun things (e.g. dates) to look forward to. After weeding through a lot of crap, I found several interesting, intelligent men to email. I sent them brief emails suggesting they read my profile (thoroughly) and if interested, they ought to get back to me. In my profile, I don’t hide my situation. I’m a widow and I have a 2 year old son who I love. There you have it. Translation: men with no balls need not apply.

My first get together was yesterday. Great guy. Great conversation, laughs etc over lunch. Totally my kind of person – if not to date then to hang out with. Creative, funny, outgoing. So, after 3 hours of this lunch, I tell him honestly that I’d love to see him again. He proceeds to say, “Ok, here’s my situation.” Hmm. His situation turns out to be that things have heated up with another person he met through the site. Since we emailed to plan our lunch date (Wed), things progressed with this other person and he wouldn’t feel comfortable juggling multiple people. Totally honest. Totally understandable. Obviously, you’re thinking, “so why did he go out on a lunch date with you?” I’m not exactly sure. We have a lot of friends and circles of people in common, so maybe just to have another connection here in Philly (he’s new to the area).

I think we left it as follows: maybe we can go do something fun together sometime, just as friends. In the event that things don’t work out with his other person, maybe I’ll hear from him in some other capacity.

But --- I couldn’t help but think of that “he’s just not that into you.” Saying.

Then it hit me: I haven’t really seriously thought about whether or not I’m ready to be “rejected” as it were. I have thought a lot about whether or not I am ready to be out there, to spend time with someone new and find someone else interesting and attractive and worth my time and attention. Not so much about the “what if I’m rejected” part. Ok ok, maybe I wasn’t rejected. He’s an honest guy who doesn’t want to get serious with more than one woman at a time.

It still left me feeling like… “Right. And why the fuck am out here again? Why do I have to be doing this? Oh right – cause my husband’s dead. Fucking great. “

Suck. I hate this. I do. But, I really want to move forward to chapter 2. And, unfortunately, chapter 2 is not about to come knocking on my door, “Here I am. Your chapter 2.” No. I need to get out there. Grab my ass (as we say in comedysportz) and just do it. So, last night, before I went to bed, I followed up with another person I’ve been emailing with through the site. Law student/dem campaign consultant. I suggested we meet. And, I have a coffee date with another sweet guy next week. Am I tempted to cancel and stay in? Sure. But I’ve spent my life trying to do things that make me a little uncomfortable in the hopes of getting out of a safe place… to some more desirable place in the long run. If I stopped doing that, Mike would be disappointed. He loved that I had all these fears of doing new things, yet always made myself do them anyway.

Thanks for listening. When I started writing, I was in a “I miss Mike. Where is Mike? Why did he have to die and leave Bax and me here alone?” – place. But, I’m a little better now. Rather than sad, I’m feeling a little feisty –


Anonymous said...

Give yourself a break. Even without a partner, your life is very full. Everyone has something missing. Unfortunately, some of us have bigger things missing than others. Just keep one thing in mind, the greatest things always seem to happen when we least expect them to. Hang in there my friend. Just a little valley right now. A big hill will come!

Love you, Michelle

francine said...

Yay for you, Danna! I'm all for online dating. That's how I ordered up my very own boyfriend. :) There will be some duds and some let downs (it's all part of dating unfortunately), but I think it's great that you're open to meeting some new people. You are a CATCH (not to mention you have the cutest little redheaded boy in the package), so I'm sure you'll have lots of success :)

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