11.22.2006

Wednesday, November 22 2006 - noon

[Photo: Baxter “helping” me rake leaves]

The past week or so has been tricky. I did my first out-of-town academic conference last week. Went to San Antonio while Mimi and Poppy (my mom and dad) took care of Baxter. They had a wonderful time with him and he sure loved being with them. The thing that was difficult was the same thing that’s hard every time I do something for the first time since mike’s death. I was constantly thinking that I could just call him or email him while I was away. I have been to a lot of conferences over the years, and Mike was such a wonderful cheerleader on the phone, reminding me not to be nervous before my presentation, getting excited about my little victories. And it was the first time I had to come home to an empty house - not counting bax of course.

One of the things that was so wonderful about being married to Mike was knowing that no matter how much fun I had on vacation or away in some beautiful city at a conference, I always knew that coming home to our house together was the best of all.

I hate that he’s gone. That’s it, really.

And I do feel like I want to share myself with someone new, but I wonder if I’m ready. And is someone going to love Baxter and be willing to share me with him? Baxter is my life. He’s it. It was Kirk who reminded me that one of the tricky things being a mom to a lil’ boy is that Baxter will be my #1. Whoever I may end up with will have to be ok being #2 in many ways. He’s right.

On another note, yesterday I did yoga for the first time since Mike got really sick. It was wonderful. Emotional and vulnerable, but wonderful. It anchored me in my own body once again and I’m determined to rediscover my practice. It was also the first day in months that I was emotional and sad and in my grief, yet did not feel the need to smoke a cigarette. Seriously. That’s a freaking big deal. I feel the desire to smoke a cigareete when I’m “in it” almost as a way of breaking up the negative energy. To not feel that need was empowering.

Oh - Kirk, my comrade in Chaos, got on me about recording a new outgoing message on my landline machine. I hadn’t been able to erase Mike’s voice for months, “You’ve reached Mike, Danna, and Baxter Young. Please leave a message after the tone.” When kirk was over the other day, I screened my calls – as I always do – and Mike’s outgoing message came on. Kirk just looked at me then waited a few minutes to give me shit about it. Talk about the only person in the world who could give me shit for that. Anyway, he suggested I enlist Bax’s help in creating a new outgoing message. So I did, and it’s hysterical. I feel better having changed it.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yes, the new message is hysterically funny! I love it! I called your house 2 times today just to listen to the message on our speaker phone with Kylee. It made us laugh out loud.
We can't wait to see you on December 16th! With Love and Big Hugs, Jae and Kylee

Anonymous said...

C'mon I didn't really give you shit. Just a nice kick in the ass.

As I said before, I'm proud of you. Others might not understand how big of a deal that was, but I do.

PS: I've been taking my vitamins since you gave me shit about that so we'll call it even.

Kirk

Jalena said...

Two new steps in one week, the trip and the phone, and one step for just you. Thats an active week and its so good that you are getting there. First steps can be the hardest ones. But remember when Bax took his, if he feel, he got up, dusted off, and took off again. He can teach you lots!!!!

Jalena said...

Try fell, not feel. I need to proof read my posts!!!! And I also forgot,
I hope the two of you have a Happy Thanksgiving with lots of friends surrounding you both!!