Sunday, September 10, 2006 - 9 pm

Bax and me and tomtom and meh's this morning. [Right top: feeding mama goldfish, Right bottom: A Ham. Meh thinks this photo looks alot like Mike. Click on it to make it larger and look at his eyes. Particularly the devilish little arch in his eyebrow. So Mike.]

He brings me so much joy. He's full of beans and loves to joke and laugh and be oppositional (ok, not my favorite thing right now) - but I really just enjoy being with him.

We had a fun slumber party and Tomtom and Meh's house with Julie and baby Jack, Titi Sasha and Titi Dee, and our friends from DC who I haven't seen since Sasha and Dee's wedding two years ago. What a fun night - and Tomtom's cooking is killer. sooo good. Complete with buttermilk pancakes this morning. Holy Moses.

This afternoon I watch the video footage that Alex arranged for the tribute. I cried and laughed and cried some more. The video messages to Baxter were amazing. The variety of things that people communicated to Bax gave such a nuanced picture of his dad: Brilliantly funny, positive, optimistic, amazing comedic timing, ethical, good, kind, a great dancer, supportive, a sports fan, a fantasy baseball league champion (4 years out of the last 5!), a baker, an amazing cook, a leader, a director, a friend, and an inspiration. If anything, I fear perhaps we're going to give poor bax a complex because he'll grow up thinking he'll have to live up to the legacy of this Superman...

Oh well - there are worse fates.

When I shut off the camera that I had been using to watch these videos I had this messed up feeling. Like, ok - I've had more than enough of this grieving thing. Mike can return now so we can get on with our lives.

But, how can this thought even exist in my head? Don't I
get it? But it's so real when I have it. Fleeting, but real. Like if I think hard enough, I can snap us back to where we were one year ago and choose the other adventure (remember "choose your own adventure" stories?) - you know, the adventure without the brain tumor that takes Michael from us? If only.

I hate being without him. And I warn you, I may become a bore here, but that's all I can think over and over - I just hate it. I mean, my days are full and friends are keeping me smiling and laughing - as is bax. But darnit to heck... blech.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

If you didn't hate it, something would be wrong. I'm glad to know wonderful people surround you and that their love helps keep you going. You know the saying…you get what you give?!?! ‘smiling'

You are grieving and will continue to do so for some time. There is no 'definite' time point...one day the fogginess will lift and your heart will feel less heavy.

Until then…HUGS!!!