Friday, August 18, 2006 - 11:45 pm

Today =

Wegmans grocery store with Baxter (fun!)
Zoo with Bax, Taylor, and Jenny and family (fun!)
Long nap while bax naps (mmmm... nap.)
Walk with Baxter (fun!)
Playing outside (fun!)
Visiting Michelle's house with Bax (fun!)

Good day all around. Bax actually napped straight from 1:30 pm until 4 pm. I slept from 2:30-4. I curled up in my big pillowtop king sized bed and pulled the box of Mike under the covers with me, hugging it in the crook of my left arm where I usually keep Pongo, my stuffed penguin.

As I pulled the box close and cuddled up with it, I thought, "Is this f*cked up?"

The answer is, "Yes, this is f*cked up."

But after being in the hospital for 4 months watching my brilliant husband fade away and come back and get sick and get well only to ultimately die... how f*cked up is it really to take a nap with a box of his ashes ...?"

Until you're here in these shoes, you have no idea what's fucked up and what's not.

When Randy (the funeral director) first showed me the option of getting some of Mike's ashes placed in a locket or medallion that I could wear around my neck, I thought.... "Who the f*ck would do that? That's just morbid and strange." And now, I think, perhaps it would be nice...

Right now, as I write, the box of Mike is next to me under the duvet covers, sitting next to Pongo the penguin and leaning up on his pillow. And yes, of course it's f*cked up. And no, I won't do this forever.

But for today - for right now - this is what I'm doing. And it feels nice.


Kate Holzemer said...

Aww. I guess it is also fucked up that I think it is sort of sweet to sleep with his ashes.

Danna, I never wrote to tell you how sorry I am that Mike died. I felt so sad, and also shy about by sadness considering that I have never met you or Mike.

I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry for Baxter's loss.

I am so sorry that he is gone, but I am so happy that you loved him so well.

You are remarkable in the face of this sorrow. If you want to sleep with the box, I think it's a splendid idea.

After my friend Scott died I kept hugging the walls inside his house. I don't know why, but it made me feel better.

With Love,
Kate Holzemer

Anonymous said...

i don't think it's fucked up...it seems oddly perfectly right, right now. -t

Anonymous said...

Grieve is universal and personal all at the same time. How you choose to mourn, celebrate, and honor your husband’s memory is your own. Life is f*#%ed up – the fact that Mike died is f*#%ed up. Finding comfort and joy in ways that feel good to you is not.


Anonymous said...

This may be presumptuous of me, but I think Mike would understand why you want to be close to his ashes. His ashes have been purged of the SFT and tag-along crap that went with it. You're being close to Mike, the real Mike - clean of disease and free from discomfort and I don't think it's fucked up to feel that way. (Not that my opinion matters even a teensy bit.)

I felt closer to Mike too, when I saw the ashes. I didn't think I would, but I did.

If, 10 years from now, you are still cuddling with the ashes, well, we'll talk about it then. ;)


weissman said...

Fucked up: my then-divorcing parents arguing over who would get their dead cat's ashes to put into the coffin with them. No, I did not make that up to make you laugh. It really happened.

Coming from that contextual setting, I'd say you're right in the normal range.

Anonymous said...

Danna, I have a little rectagle thingy that I wear around my neck with some of my father's ashes. It's wonderful to keep him near my heart.