Tuesday, July 25, 2006 - pm

People have been asking how I'm doing. I don't know. This morning, I had an appointment with my therapist, and on my way over I thought, "I don't even know why I'm going. I have nothing to say." Literally, after perhaps the most traumatic and tragic moment in my life (knock knock knock) I'm thinking, “ Do – dee – do… I have nothing to talk about.”

I'm numb.

For some reason I felt the need to tell David (yup, first name basis with my therapist) the horrible details of that last week. What Mike looked like, the sound of the ventilator trying to pump air into his closing airwaves with the sounds of jazz music coming from the radio, the look of his blue and white fingers which had been hours with no blood flow from the pressors trying to direct all blood to the heart, the sight of his skin – purple all over from the vascular issues from the DIC, the feel of his body – rock hard filled with fluid - unrecognizable.

I’m not sure why I had to go over this again. I’m trying desperately to erase these memories with logistics, paperwork, planning for this huge tribute show, and time with friends. Yet, for some reason when sitting there in the quiet with David, I felt the need to describe all the harrowing moments of those last 7 days. I didn’t shed a tear. I just recounted the story as though it was someone else’s.

David grabbed a notepad at one moment as I was talking and jotted something down. When I had finished talking, he handed me a piece of paper. It read:

I am traumatized.
I am processing the unprocessable.
I can do little else.
I’ll be back later.

I started to cry.

I find myself trying to direct my own feelings in a positive direction, just to avoid a downward spiral. So, I remind myself of all the great things that a) have come from this and b) make this situation not-quite-as-horrible as it could be. I feel thankful that Mike's no longer living a life that is not the kind of life he would have wanted to live. I'm thankful that financially, we're going to be ok - because I have been in school for 23 years (!) and have a wonderful job waiting for me at the University of Delaware. I'm thankful I have the Baxman who makes me laugh every day. I'm thankful that we are among those few fortunate ones who have health insurance with no cap -- because otherwise we could be about 10 million dollars in debt. I’m thankful for amazing friends who lift me up. I’m thankful to have had such a powerful experience that will always inform how I think about life, love, and priorities. I’m thankful to have had seven years with such an amazing man. I’m thankful for ComedySportz where Mike Young will always be present. Always. I’m thankful for my garden where I experience growth and rebirth.

Even writing these things right now makes me feel better. Because I know this is how Mike would love for me to be processing this experience – with an eye towards the future and acknowledgement of the good in life.


Anonymous said...

Danna, I am so very sorry for your loss. I was one of the nurses from JHN that cared for Mike. It was always difficult for us to watch as there were new problems with Mike's condition. I have kept you and Baxter in my prayers and thoughts. I wanted to share what my daughter did and said when she was around Baxters age when my mother died. She wanted to go to the viewing to say good bye to grandmom. She was 18 months old but talked like a 3 year old. She went to the coffin and touched the body and turned to me and said "I don't know why you are all crying. She is not in that body any more. That just like a Barbie Doll in there. She's not in there anymore". I knew from the blog that when Baxter was seeing Mike walking in the yard that he too had left the body that could no longer support his spirit. Listen closely to what Baxter says and does because he will be able to see and hear Mike when our "logical" minds tell us otherwise. Take care of yourself and remember to take some time to mourn your loss at the same time that you are celebrating the time you shared with Mike. Some people never get to experience the love the two of you shared.

Lisa said...

I agree with Denise, listen to Bax. He will still feel and see Mike. Also take time to mourn. Yes cleebrate, but also mourn. It's natural to feel this way. You've been fighting and fighting, now it's time to come down from that fight. Shed a few tears, hit a wall if you need to, but please mourn. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers.