7.18.2006

Tuesday, July 18, 2006 - 1:30 am

[I want to thank Jadico for this fantastic shot of Mike from ComedySportz this past fall. He's so handsome... and funny.]

This shot is especially important because right now Mike's physical body is so so sick. I can't even stay in the room for long because it's so disturbing. It's not Mike in there. It's not. He is toxic and critically ill and he looks just that way. Don't read the rest of this paragraph if you'd prefer to stay in the dark.... His eyes are swollen out and yellow with blood on the rims and he can't close his lids. They tried to tape them shut, but it didn't work. His body is puffed out so much that he looks like a distorted wax person. He has been seizing and biting his tongue and due to the coagulation problems it's not clotting so he's bleeding around his mouth. The DIC is causing purple blotches all over his body. It is utterly horrifying. I am actually discouraging people from visiting because it's a horrible sight and is not the Michael we know. I go into his room to put on music, touch his hand and have him hear my voice, but I try not to look at him too long. For the most part, I stand outside the room and peer in through the glass.

In spite of this whole situation, I am feeling surprisingly ok right now. I am intermittantly angry and sad and anxious and tired - but I'm ok. I don't know why, but I don't feel like this is all "wrong" anymore. I have always thought that something big was going to happen in my life. Maybe everyone feels that way - I don't know. I always thought the big thing was going to be politics or a theory or a book or music or some performing thing... But now I think that this is it - that being Mike's advocate and learning how to be strong and peaceful and in the moment is that "something big" that I always anticipated.

It feels weightless to be in this place.

And don't get me wrong, I sob and weep and pace and punch the wall when I'm in the shower - but I'm not paralyzed by this.

I feel oddly unshakeable. Stakes are so high that nothing else really matters. I have my friends, I have my boy and I have myself. The rest? In Mike's word of choice, "eh...?"

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Danna you continue to amaze me. Thank you so much for opening your heart to all of us and keeping close to all of us who love you and Mike. This is a big thing you are doing, a very big thing, and you're doing a damned good job at it. But Dr. Danna, loving wife and mom and tenured professor in your 20s, I have a hunch there will be many big things that you will do with your life. try to get some sleep, ok?
anne

Anonymous said...

Danna,
You are so amazing and so strong, and soooo unbelievably, incredibly special. I stayed up late last night catching up on the last week of entries and the last week of your life, and it has been a rollercoaster that many would not be able to endure. To be able to keep your friends and family abreast of every moment while being such a strong advocate for Mike (I've been there with my father & with my grandmother, so I know that folks in the hospital NEED an advocate), and a mother to Baxter, and to do this all with such love, honesty, integrity,and humor...well it's just beyond comprehension. This is a defining moment in your life and it has let you know that your strength has no bounds. You remember that, Danna. Your strength has no bounds. You will do many great and big things, Danna...but this will probably be the most personal, important and selfless thing that you'll ever be called to do. Mike is blessed to have you, as you are to have him. We love you guys and are pulling and praying for you.
Kim & Ray