7.14.2006

Friday, July 14, 2006 - 11:30 am


[Graph showing how cardiac output is disributed throughout the body during rest and during activity. As I see it, when at rest (green bars), the bulk of cardiac output goes to the kidneys, liver and the brain. Given that Mike's output is now less than half what it should be, combined with the excess of about 10 liters of fluids that his body is holding only right now, these organs are under extreme stress.]

Talked to Mike’s nurse, Robin at 9 am. Mike’s c.o. (cardiac output) is still low. It’s 2.0. Overnight it went under 2. To learn more about cardiac output and what it means, go here.

So, without efficient bloodflow through the system, he continues to be in multi-system organ failure. Liver enzymes are way high still. Kidneys are failing. Urine output through the night was low. They gave him some strong diuretics to try to get urine output up. His ammonia is still high. Apparently, kidneys and liver help cleanse the body of toxins like ammonia. Without proper kidney functioning, these toxins remain in the body.

His level of responsiveness has deteriorated throughout the morning. He’s not following commands (like squeeze my hand). They brought him for a CT scan late this morning and we’re waiting to hear the results.

That’s where we are right now.

*****

I've been loving reading people's stories about Mike. Loving loving it. So, here is one of mine:


So, Mike and I went on our first date on Sunday, February 13, 2000. We saw the movie Angela’s Ashes. The following week we emailed incessantly. Though we never actually discussed whether or not the Feb 13th outing was a true “date.” Yet, we agreed we had to go on another movie date the following Sunday. So, Sunday, February 20, we saw the Talented Mr. Ripley at the Riverview theater. After the movie, we stopped back at Mike’s house (which, two years later would be my house, too) and I used the bathroom. When I came out of the bathroom, I started nervously chattering about nothing. Mike looked at me very intensely and said he wanted to talk. We sat on the couch (our fuzzy plum sofas) and he told me that he really liked spending time with me. That when he wakes up in the morning he sees my face.

I, having just come off a string of relationships, was freaked out to say the least. I told Mike the 2,435 reasons we couldn’t go out. Mainly, I liked him so much, I didn’t want to f*ck it up. I told him how I have this tendency to sort of damage boyfriends. I go out with them, decide I’m not into it, and then somehow I drag things on too long and they end up hurt. Mike looked at me with a somewhat condescending smile. He put his hand on my hand and said, “I’m a big boy, Danna. I’ve been through a lot. You’re not going to break me. I can handle it.”

I felt like such a heel. What a cocky tool I was for thinking, “I am so important that I drag boys down into the abyss. “ I was fascinated by Mike’s confident and affectionate way of putting me in my place.

He kissed me there on the couch. I had never kissed a person with a beard before. The thought of it freaked me out, but it was quite nice. I had never actually kissed anyone that older than me, actually. All but one of my previous boyfriends had been younger. In fact, the boy I had just broken up with before Mike asked me out was 18 and I was 23 (I know, I know… ) So here Mike was, a grown man. 32 years old. Very scary – yet so so exciting.

The next day, we emailed like mad. Mike saved these emails and would send them to me from time to time to remind me of how lame we had been in those early days. They do a great job of capturing my smoosher. Here is the thread from the day after the first kiss. I’ll post more threads later.


Monday, February 21, 2000, 10:26 am
From: Young, Mike
To: ‘Danna Goldthwaite’

I don’t know about you, but I had trouble sleeping last night. My mind was racing through all the reasons why we shouldn’t get involved. I’m pretty sure I had a bad dream about this, but don’t remember the details. This morning I’ve been debating whether I should even send you an e-mail.

And yet, I keep catching myself with a kind of dopey grin on my face, feeling like I’ve swallowed a moonbeam.

What a mess.

-M.

********

Monday, February 21, 2000 10:52 am
From ‘Dannagal Goldthwaite
To: Young, Mike

Tell me about it.

I feel like we’ve opened a big ol’ can of worms.

But at the same time, I also feel way better having acknowledged this “whatever” that is between us.

Ok, so maybe we should set it aside for a bit like you mentioned… Here’s the thing, something in me feels very out of control when it comes to anything relationship-ish. Like I am no longer the one in charge of where I’m going and what I’m doing. Which is why I consistently panic and run. Mike, you are far too precious to me to do that to. I just reread that sentence and it sounds so cliché or something, which is annoying because I’m being serious here…so I’m not going to delete it. Instead, I’m just going to say I know that we shouldn’t , and I especially know that I basically can’t because of some of the stuff I’m going through. But, I also know that I am not willing to say we might not just hold hands again. What do we do?

In the words of a wise man: what a mess.

-d.

********

Monday, February 21, 2000, 12:09 pm
From: Young, Mike
To: ‘Danna Goldthwaite’

I think that you should call it a “thing” instead of a “whatever.” It’s much more specific.

And as to feeling out of control, or no longer in charge of where you’re going when it comes to something relationship-ish, well… isn’t that kind of the point? That you have to compromise, and allow someone else to actually affect you?

I have a lot of confidence in our long-term friendship, no matter what else happens between us. And the fact that we are both so wary makes me have some hope – we’ll both be taking baby steps, on the lookout for the first sign of trouble. Perhaps even hyper-aware, expecting to find trouble.

This is not to say I’m convinced moving ahead is the wisest choice. In fact, I’m convinced that moving ahead is NOT the wisest choice. But I also have a respect for the chemistry between us – it’s not something I’ve come across much. And though I’m scared, I think it’s the good kind of scared.

When the heart speaks
It’s always rude
For reason to interrupt
-Milan Kundera

********

Monday, February 21, 2000 12:11 pm
From ‘Dannagal Goldthwaite
To: Young, Mike

I love the fact that we just basically wrote emails to each other that appear to say a lot, but really don’t get very far. Circular discourse, anyone? I am literally laughing right now. I’m off to lunch but had to share my amusement with our mutual neuroses. By the way, ever hear of logos and aeros?

- d.


5 comments:

beth said...

Danna,

I love those emails. Exactly one year later, Kevin and I had a series of emails that alternated between why we shouldn't move forward and how goofily happy we were that we had finally acknowledged our feelings for each other. I saved them all. Thank you for sharing yours. I'm sitting here working, or trying to work, on my latest assignment from my new boss, and all I can think about is you and Mike. I love you both very much.

Beth

Anonymous said...

reading those e-mails put a huge smile on my face. who of us can't remember the akward beginning to what turned out to be our most meaninful relationship? thank you so much for posting those!!

something else that i love about you and mike...i can't hear the song "love shack" by the b52s without thinking of you guys. it literally takes the first word of the song and i'm seeing you guys singing karaoke in that dive bar on 22nd or 23rd street. what was it, five or six year ago?? i can still see mike bobbing his head from side to side a la early paul mccartney, and you standing there concentrating so hard to hit the high note of "bang bang!" excellent times.

much love to you both.
tracie

Di of Di and Kel said...

Dear Danna,

I was THERE the night Mike first? laid his hands on you!! It was at a post CSZ show at the Brick and a bunch of CSZers (and me, this CSZ wife) were downstairs at the restaurant.

I think I had just recently met you and was rather stunned by your "blonde and blue eyed healthy good looks" shall we say??

Kelly had told me that Mike was interested in you. I was sitting across the table and Mike and you were both sitting next to each other and chatting with others and each other and I saw Mr. Young put his hand on your leg!!!!!

You see, Mike had a habit for hitting on some of the women CSZers and I thought "uh-oh--here goes Mike!"


So I just looked at him and he gave me a "SO???" look and I looked at you and you seemed like it was OK and I thought "well, I don't think Mike's going home alone tonight!!!" And thus started the ballgame!

Love you sweetie!

Anonymous said...

danna, you are a unbelievably amazing person. i am so grateful to you for sharing all this with us. i've been lurking on this blog for the past four months (because i'm one of the 'old ladies'--this fringe group of csz girls who started way back when and don't really know everybody so well now); and i haven't wanted to bother anybody with questions, etc., because, well, you just don't know me very well; but i feel like i know you sorta intimately now--and i want you to know how much i love mike, and my husband michael loves mike, and how much we've been with you through all this even though you just don't know us. we used to spend every new year's eve with mike; mike videotaped our wedding; mike taught me everything i know about improv; mike made me feel funny even when i knew i was just dopey. mike held my hand when we all flew to orlando to do a csz gig at disneyworld because i'm such a freak about planes, and i sobbed for 15 minutes until we were in the air, and then once we were up, he was like-"ok, here we are. you good?" and i was totally good.

anyway--we're sending love and prayers. he is such a good man.

xo megan bellwoar (and michael hollinger)

Anonymous said...

It is hard to hold a screaming baby and type...oh well. We're both crying, so it's ok. :0

Murf and I have e-mails like that. She packaged them up and gave them to me the week before we got hitched in Vegas (the real one, not inside Johnny).

But our big fun wedding was in Swarthmore, and I've been thinking a LOT about it. Mike officiated, and the man can talk about love and relationships like the dickens! I remember sitting at our little table at 15th and Lombard--also the site of a few early Doris rehearsals, some may recall--planning with him. We were such kids, and we needed Mike so badly to help us put it all together. I just made the tapes into a DVD for Murf, Danna, I'll give one to you. It also has the proposal I made on stage--again staged managed and officiated by Mike. In other words, you don't do matrimony in our lives without the man.

And then we went to Groton and came back on one of our refugee weekends. Mike went to breakfast with us down on south street. He was like a kid at Christmas, talking about this girl. "I can't get her face out of my mind." That's still true, I'm sure.

Your relationship inspires me greatly. Ok, crying again and Meg hasn't stopped...

Love, love, love,
Tom