Wednesday, June 28, 2006 LATE morning - edited at 10: 45

Added and changed at 10:45 am:

Nope - today will not be the day.
Rumor has it that surgery will not be until Friday. Mike's nurse Nicole (yup - sweetie with glasses), told me she got a call from Andrews' nurse saying that it will be Friday. Still not sure which approach Andrews and Evans will choose for the surgery (see last post). Very glad I decided to go to UDel today. I might actually have a productive day.


Reminder - Mike's at JHN (900 Walnut Street) in room 6604 with all his old favorite nurses, techs, and n.p.s. They are taking great care of him. If surgery happens Thurs, it might be at Gibbon (with Evans) - i'll let you know.

I don't know what to do with myself. I can't sit around all day waiting for a surgery that might not happen, so I'm going to UDel for the morning.

I've been distancing myself from Michael for so long just to maintain my own sanity, that it feels so crazy to entertain the idea that after this procedure, he might wake up and say, "What?$*# It's June??? Where the hell have I been?" I put on pearls today... as though he might just pop back to life and appreciate my putting on pearls.

But no one knows what to expect from this. I can't count the number of people who have asked me when we might expect the drain to improve Mike's memory etc. No one knows. No one knows. They don't tell me anything. Because they don't know. Trust me, it's the question I ask all the time. But I have no answer. That piece of information is so important, I swear that the second I get a sense of it from the doctors, I will post it on this blog. I doubt that moment will ever happen though - cause they just don't know.

Last night I was feeling antsy and a little whacky. I put Bax to bed, did some on-line grocery shopping, and sat out on my back porch drinking wine and watching the fireflies. I heard the PATCO high speed line in the distance and briefly considered calling someone to come sit with Baxter so I could grab the train into the hospital. It's a 10 min walk to the station, a 12 min ride to 9th and locust and 5 min up to mike's room. That means 27 minutes and I could have been right there cuddled up with Mike in his bed. But I almost feel like I can't do that anymore. I tend to go nuts before his surgeries and fear that he might not come back to me afterwards. But, we've been through it too many times for me to put it all out there again. I can't invest it all once again, cry my eyes out because "who knows if I'll see him tomorrow." It makes me insane. I made a bunch of calls to folks to help get me back on the ground, but no one was home. Thank gosh my friend Russ called me back and we talked about school and other stuff for like an hour. I needed to get grounded.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Danna - I'm glad you went to UDel today. You have to take care of yourself too, and work is important. I visited with Mike today, and I know Mary was there before me, so he wasn't alone. Please take good care of yourself. Hugs, Anne